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Coming Out can only mean one thing – you stay! Once you step over that line, you cannot zip across for some respite and a breath of fresh air. It’s for real and it’s a lifetime decision you make. The finality of coming Out has obvious replications for everyone concerned. Of course you are the most effected by your decision, but so too are your parents, uncles, aunties, siblings, cousins, neighbours, family, friends…well just about everyone you know.

Technically, Outing is the process of declaring your sexuality to others. But as this can take so many forms and permutations it’s not easy to define the process or end result in absolute terms. Every situation is different and every Outing process has its own dynamics to make it an intensely personal and unique experience. Consequently, no two Outings are ever going to be the same.

Lets now work though some questions to ask yourself. Remember this process works best if you are honest with yourself. No-one can tell when, how or even if you should come Out, least of all us. But what we can do is help you make a more informed decision.

1. Am I Gay?

It might seem a strangely obvious question, but it’s crucial and one you must know the answer to.

The first part of the coming Out process is to acknowledge and be sure of whom you are. For many people this alone can be a very painful and confusing process. Some will deny who they are by trying to avoid homosexual thoughts and feelings. Sometimes people will put their gay feelings down to a phase they are going through. Some people will enter into heterosexual relationships in an attempt to conceal from themselves and others their gay feelings. In more extreme cases, people may turn to drink or drugs or violent homophobic behaviour.

Generally, gay people begin to feel a little different abOut their sexuality at around the time of early adolescence. At the ages 12 to 17, most young gay men decide for themselves who they are. Lesbians make that judgment a little later, at between 16 and 20. But it’s true people at all ages and stages of their life can be unclear abOut their sexuality. Some people even declare themselves as gay and then later decide they no longer are. Perhaps they were not sure to begin with, or maybe they were simply going through a phase. Ask yourself then – am I sexually and emotionally mature? If you can’t answer that question, then others around you will also be confused and loose trust and confidence in your ability to make right judgments. Be sure of whom you are.

2. Am I Prepared?

A motto as good as this one is worth repeating – be prepared! Do your research by reading others coming Out accounts and experiences. This is a valuable way to avoid as many pitfalls as you can. Your experience won’t be the same as others of course, but they may have some worthwhile advice you can take with you. Armed with this knowledge, you will be able to respond more positively with any concerns your parents and others have with your sexuality.

3. Why Tell?

I guess in a perfect world you should not have to. After all, when was the last time you heard a heterosexual Outing them self? Unfortunately that’s not that sort of world we live in. Telling people you are gay could be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in your life. Family unity and friendships are at stake, and perhaps for some people there could even be a physical danger as well. But there are significant upsides to Outing. People who have come say they feel a lot happier and more confident. They profess a sense of freedom they could not recall ever feeling before; freedom to mix and meet other gay people; freedom to be honest and open in conversations; freedom to explore what it means to be with like-minded people. These are some reasons for coming Out. They might not be yours, but they are good reasons for others.

4. Who To Tell?

Now comes the tricky bit…telling people. Because every family is different we cannot give a definitive response to this question. However, we suggest you first look towards those you are closest with and you consider most trustworthy. Parents like to believe their children can confide anything in them, well now could be the time to test and hold them to that belief. Perhaps you might find it easier to approach one parent before the other. Perhaps you might find it easier to approach your siblings first. Or maybe you have a gay uncle to go to. Remember the intended Outcome is not to split up friendships and families, but to bring them closer together on a more open and honest footing. Keep in mind though, not everyone who is gay tells everyone they are gay. Some people tell only selected people, like their close friends for example. Some people don’t tell their parents at all, assessing they will be worse off by doing so. However, it’s not an ideal situation for your parents to find Out about your sexuality from other people. You need to be sure in your own mind what’s in your best interest. The bottom line is you don’t have to tell anyone anything. You alone decide when, where, how, and to whom to come Out to. In many respects we live in a far more tolerant and accepting society than at any other time. This may not make your declarations any easier, but it may make acceptance more likely.

5. When and How To Tell?

How exactly do you tell someone you are gay? Is there ever a good time? Telling someone your gay is a significant statement to make and so should be treated accordingly. First you need to pick your moment. It makes no sense coming Out in the middle of argument or when emotions are running at a high or low. Pick a calm time when you are feeling particular good about yourself and your situation. . Some people chose to write a letter first. This gives the recipient time to consider their own feelings and breathing space to accept who you are.

However if you going to tell people face-to-face, have it worked out in your mind what you are wanting to say. Don’t make it a speech or lecture or read from a. Don’t have a script. Calmly explain your feelings and what has bought you to this moment in your life. Tell them the reasons why you are Outing yourself. Listen to what is said to you in return. Don’t get involved in a heated discussion or argument.

If you have always enjoyed loving and supportive relationships, there is no reason to doubt they will not continue. Whatever the case, you will need to be patient and be prepared to give people whatever time they need to come to terms with this development. It could be two days, two weeks, two months, two years and anything in between or beyond. Think of it this way – how long did it take you to come to terms with your sexuality? We know some people can take literally a lifetime and if you were confused or tentative yourself, then the same can be expected of others. It takes time for people to confront their own myths, stereotypes and beliefs about homosexuality so give then the time and space to accept the ‘new’ you.

6. What Next?

It’s imperative that during this period you have someone to confide and talk with. The brutal truth of it all is that you will in all probability lose some friendships. One can question what sort of friendships they were to begin with, but rejections are never easy to take and talking with someone will ease the load. However, you also most likely gain new friends. It’s imperative that during this period you have someone to confide and talk with. There are many support groups and andcounselors who can all offer you independent advice and guidance.

Coming Out gives many people a greater choice about the sort of life they can now lead. You may want your parents and family to meet some of your gay and lesbian friends. Perhaps you may want to explore the gay scene and/or take on a more obvious gay identity. But perhaps you don’t. There are many gay people who don’t associate themselves with a gay identity or the gay scene at all. Instead, find your own group of friends and they become your community or ‘scene.’ The choice is yours, always.

© Gay Australia 2002