I know what IGLTA is and look for their members when I travel?

Like every other ‘normal’ teenager I flicked Penthouse to Miss January and liked her so much she ended up posted on the inside of my cupboard. I even thought it was possible for me to love her. But my curiosity about heterosexual soft porn was quickly taken over by secretive interest in looking at penis whenever and wherever I could. I would steal glances of other guys in showers or in the change rooms. I would retreat back into the night and masturbate over them.

But, my interest in females was equally strong. I began dating and fooling around. A few years later I began to have sex. I still had not acted on those initial ‘gay’ feelings and I recall now how they may have even waned. But they certainly did not die and when I was 19, I finally plucked up the courage to have my first male-to-male experience. I wanted just one thing – to be played around with. As I waited for my pick-up I was thinking how I just could not believe I was doing this. My pick-up was around 35 and said he liked younger guys, which I didn’t mind. We went back to his house and I played the bottom role. We watched some gay porn movies while he sucked and wanked me. It felt good and it was relief to finally know what it was like to be with another guy.

As the years went by, every two or three years I feel the urge to play out my desires with another guy. To date I have had four male-to-male experiences, but I am still to have sex. The contact is discreet, clean and anonymous. I would never go out on a date with another guy, or send him flowers or hold his hand in public. I don’t seek anything else but the sexual gratification I get with other guys that I don’t get with girls. But it seems to be an occasional, almost ‘part time’ desire in my character that re-surfaces when it does. I have not come out because I don’t know what exactly there is to come out to and to what point that would serve in any case. Do I regard myself as bisexual? Well strangely I don’t. You might say I am in self-denial and I would not necessarily argue the point. But I am not a fan of labelling and simply see myself as someone sexual and interested expressing these feelings, however they play out. Sexual identity to me is a personal thing. I will continue to seek out other men in discreet occasional situations. I like gay porn and chatting to other guys in a sexual way. But I feel I am a long way from anywhere gay and don’t consider myself part of any visible gay community. But then again, here I am writing to a Gay Web Site.

What I find quiet strange though is the fact I can name any number of high profile gay people without hesitation. The gay community have successfully found their niche and formulas for creating and maintaining active public profiles. Members of the gay community can be readily identified through parades, organisations, clothes, dance and residential enclaves and even in speech tones. But for people who are actively bisexual, not so. To illustrate the point, there is no one famous I know in Australia who is publicly bi. Where are they all? I read somewhere that up to 30% have same sex attractions. Not everyone acts on these attractions of course, but it makes you wonder there must a lot of people who have. Perhaps they are all like me and see little personal benefit in making these feeling publicly known and risk personal standings. Well perhaps this website might be starting point for others as it is for me. In this big wide world I know there must be others who share my situation and feelings and I would love to read about your story as well.

© Alex C 2002 © Gay Australia 2002